Friday, May 6, 2016

“Do’s & Don’t When Coming to Montana” by Dr. Allen Miller

Below is a list of do’s and Don’ts that are imperative to your safe and happy trip here to Montana.

Most importantly the Don’ts

1.    You are a tourist here; we have several signs that say, “If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them”? Gives you insight into our mentality.
Me, Boone the wonder dog feeding horses.
2.    Do not wear t-shirts or sweatshirts that read “I’m from California, and I want to buy your land and turn it into a commune”. Do not wear faux zebra or coyote jackets, fur boots etc.
a.    Result: reminiscent of the scene in Frankenstein you will be chased through the streets by the townspeople with torches and then hung by the neck until dead. Yes, we still do that here.
3.    Do not pet or feed the bear cubs, ride the buffalo for that very special picture or chase the golden kitty. This will get you killed and eaten.
4.    Do not wear silk shirts, khaki pants, and most especially shoes with tassels. They will think you are gay and see the result of number 2A.
5.    Do where Wranglers, or Carhart pants with polo shirts with a gun, dog, elk or deer on them. Remember camo and orange go with everything.
6.    Remember fishing is a sport. Do not say I am writing a book for my California friends, could you tell me where your favorite hunting, fishing etc spots are. Again See #2A.
7.    Shoes; boots are preferable you can use tennis shoes in town. I recommend the tennis shoes because all you foreigners (People Not From Here) make mistakes and the sneakers may give you an edge over the townspeople chasing you.
8.    When hunting, the motto is “if it’s brown it’s down”.
a.    Do not say “Hey hear what PETA says about that, or I’m a vegetarian. We love animals here too, we just like them barbecued, or pan fried. Yes fried.
9.    If you know celebrities keep it to yourself we hate them here especially, Ted Turner, and Jane Fonda except of course Bush, Reagan, Heston and we are still looking at Arnold.
10.    When we are stuck in the forest, two in a sleeping bag are warmer that one. Deal with it.
The Bear was attacking my Horse.
11.    Our animals are very dear to us especially our horses and dogs. The dog rides in the truck at all times and goes everywhere. If they had thumbs and could cook, we would marry them. Think about it.
12.    When someone at breakfast says “how big is you or your wife's spread”? They are not asking about your ass. They are talking about how much land you have. In that vain, if a Montanan  says to you, nice rig! he is not trying to spoon with you. He is complementing you on your truck.
13.    Everyone here drives a truck, we do not wash them. They are washed with rain and snow. If you say “I have a guy I pay that comes and washes the trucks once a week”. You will be looked at strangely, as we have that service too, they are called kids and we don’t pay them.
14.    We still play cowboys and Indian’s here. It’s for real.
15.    Politics—this is a sensitive subject, we are very conservative, the fact that you came from California and Californians are where the Hollywood crowd come from is an instant problem. Do don’t say “I was for Gore, Bush stole the election” again see #2A.
16.    NRA—We love guns, Guns don’t kill, We Kill People. Don’t say “I think all people should register all guns, so the government can find them easier”. You will be shot.
17.    Protests: We do not have gay pride marches or parades and only 3 people (college students) showed up for the antiwar march.
18.    We don’t have a pottery Barn, Harry & David’s or even Nordstrom’s. We have ranch stores that carry Carhart and Wrangler pants.
Clyde the wonder horse
a.    Do wear your pants about 2-4 inches longer than you do your slacks. This is called stacking. If you wear you pants too short someone will ask “hey tourist, you’re not stacked”. They are not referencing or insulting to your package or your wife’s breasts.
19.    In Montana, we drive fast and in our lane. We let people pass, pull out, and for the most part are courteous. Please remember to always slow for the guy and/or his wife collecting road kill.
20.    On this note; someone may say “what kind of rig do you got”. They are referring your truck or car. One New Yorker replied, “I wear tighty whities”. This was not good and obviously, the wrong thing to say on two levels. One, the cowboy was asking about the car you drove, and secondly, real cowboys don’t wear underwear as they bind when riding horses. Again the tourist parade started with the townspeople chasing him through the streets.
21.    This is the most important note of all. Do not under any circumstances wear black socks; black dress shoes, shorts, and T-shirt with Montana on it in addition to a cowboy hat. You will not blend in; you will again be identified as a tourist and again chased through the streets by the townspeople and hanged. There are shopkeepers here that will try and tell you that this is ok; the shopkeeper may say “hey its ok, we all do it”. No, this is a trick; some shopkeepers hate tourists and try to stimulate this type of revenge for comic relief. Don’t fall for it.
22.    Beer is a food, food, however, is not beer. You can order a beer, wine, mixed drinks, and of course straight whiskey, scotch etc. You can order drinks with ice, after all, we are not heathens here. Please do not order a drink that requires an umbrella or especially a drink called “sex on the beach”. For fear of redundancy, you will be thought to be gay, and you will have sex on the beach next to the river with a bartender most likely your same gender.
23.    Son-of-A-Bitch is a noun. This is not a cuss word. For example, that son-of-a-bitch stole my horse. Could you hand me that son-of-a-bitch (as he points to the salt)? Son-of-a-bitch is sometimes an act of affection i.e. “you son-of-a-bitch or an insult “you son-of-a-bitch”. In both instances, the proper retort is, “you are a bigger son-of-a-bitch”. This is good, however, a bad retort is to begin to cry or say “that hurts my inner child”. We are cowboys we do not have feelings, we are not sensitive, and don’t care about your needs. We do not know what an inner child is, other than when our women are pregnant.
24.    We pee and piss here, or we go to the outhouse etc. Yes, we do have indoor plumbing and bathrooms. We just like the nostalgia of calling it an outhouse. We don’t say as one dead south Californian once said, “I have to go winky tinky” where is the little cowboy’s room”? This is now a dead male Californian.
25. In conclusion, we're not real happy about having the @kardashians here with their TV Crew. We kinda liked @KhloeKardashian, she's a big-boned girl that could make good babies for farming.

Again I hope this helps, for your convenience I am having all the tips printed on a little card so you can keep in your wallet for quick reference. Before you speak or ask for anything. Whip out this little card and look up the appropriate section before you make that potentially fatal mistake. These rules used to be posted outside on a Sign, however following the hanging of a fairly large tourist the sign post broke and we have not replaced it.
I hope these hints will make your stay happy but more importantly a healthy one.
Your friend,

Dr. Allen Miller